Clean and Simple

I can't even remember the last time it occurred to me to write on LJ. It's most likely been over a year, if not more, I'd reckon. I'll be home soon, whatever that means...

Something's coming around the bend...I'm huffing and puffing, dragging myself up the ridge of the mountain...I feel like I can go no farther... but something's over that ridge line, something's at the top, and I feel that when I reach it, everything will change. And though I'm fearful of the top, and of the possible fall, I keep climbing, because now, looking down, there is nowhere else to go. But then again...whatever is coming...in the back of my mind, I know, that where ever I may get to might not be the lesson, might not be the matter, the marrow, the point. Perhaps it's the climb that matters most.

My dreams are laughing at me...and the veil over them is thick and disconcerting. I am, at one time, equal parts anxious, impatient, and dreading to go home. So many cans of worms. Leaving one can for a barrel... if only it were a barrel full of knife-fighting monkeys. Well, whatever's up, I hope it will lead to fun, and laughter, and long-forgotten joy and mischief.

Hopefully, I'll be seeing some of you back stateside by turkey-time.

Aloha

Mist

Well, it figures. I've been so upset today, and have been grumbling to myself and have waited a lot time to post about stuff, and now that I have an opportunity to sit down and vent it all out.... I've sputtered out, and have nothing left really to complain about. Still, earlier today I was so frustrated with the world and with people that I couldn't contain it, and my heart, I could feel it breaking. I'm okay now of course, partially, no probably all because I asked Freyr and Freyja to ease the pain in my heart, because I knew that they'd understand exactly where that pain came from.

On a good front, I'm so loving my computer! Today's the fist time that I took it to school with me. Yay! Now I'm sitting, waiting for class, and using my built - in wireless card. I wish that it was an apple (I can't believe that I'm saying that?!?!?!) so that I wouldn't be so afraid of getting viruses, but oh well. But....if any of you electronically savvy friends of mine know how to get OS X on an Acer, please, by all means, let me know. :) In the mean time, I'll just baby with this baby as is.

I got it so that when I go to Hawaii, I don't have to take my other laptop. I find out if I get the internship, btw, on June 12th. Ahhhhh

Well, I don't know what to talk about. I missed the last 3CG rite that I was planning on attending, and I probably won't get to go to Wellspring like I want because they always schedule it too close to test time....and this is the first year since I came to Columbus that I didn't walk in the Komen. :( But, I really needed to go home.

Right now, I am currently breathing a deep sigh of relief. My shoulders fall relaxed, and I'm happy with my decision, if a little regretful that I'd made the wrong with in the first place that needed to be corrected now. I just accepted a "W", and dropped my communications class. It was a good class, with a great instructor...but taking five classes this quarter was a mistake on my part, and one that I couldn't quite live up to without sacrificing my happiness and more importantly, the balance and sanity that I've been working so hard to restore. So I just dropped it, and I feel good. I can take it, and WILL take it again in the winter. I just wish that I would have had the sense to drop it earlier in the quarter so that I wouldn't have had to accrue another W.

I'm finally done preparing to send out my application for my internship. I do so tomorrow. I have a copy of my transcripts, 2 letters of recommendation, an awesome resume, and an even more awesome professional portfolio slide show burned to a beautiful pink CD to send along with my application. Cross your fingers for me people. THIS IS IMPORTANT, and could potentially make my career.

This quarter is starting to get hectic. Though I've been able to stick to some of the new routines that I've added to my lifestyle, the staunch discipline that I imagined for myself in regards to my academic life is falling to pieces while I consistently fall prey to my good old friend procrastination. Damn it, this is one tired played out song. But it's so hard, with everything else. I'm on campus for almost 12 hours every day for work and classes, while trying to be keep the house from piling up, keeping my relationship with Tj strong, trying to give something to myself for a god-damned change, trying to fulfill my academic organizations commitments,(which no offense to any of the other groups that I'm in or friends)which at the moment are really fucking important to me because they're building my professional network for the future, and family, and actually, you know, try to do homework so that I can get good grades because I'm paying for college on my own and don't want to waste my damned money and the 5 damned years that I've spend in this shit school to be for nothing!...I just want to tell some people to back the fuck off of me. I AM TRYING!!!!! I can't do ten thousand things at once, especially with no fucking transportation at the moment. I know that they aren't telling me what I have to do this and that I have to do that, but there's is an unseen pressure that will not let up, whether it's by their soft-spoken demands (which are a lot more effective on me) or my own sense of guilt for not being an amazing friend who is stuck up people's butts. I'm sorry, I need and like solitude, though I very rarely get it.

-I'm taking 5 very hard and demanding classes this quarter.
-I'm working 15 hours at work, though I love it.
-I'm trying to get ready to move
-I'm active in 3 school organizations/groups for my major
-I'm trying to get my shit together so that I can apply to an amazing internship which is currently the most important task and the most important thing for my immediate future
-I'm trying to graduate with honors by WINTER 2010 (minus autumn quarter because that's when my internship will hopefully be). This means trying to do homework, when I have the time (which is never) and the energy (which is rarely after I get done with everything else).
-I'm trying to find myself and my balance, in regards to health, happiness and spirituality, and it's something that I'm taking very seriously.
-I'm taking Yoga twice a week.
-I need to be home to fix dinner either other day and do the dishes.
-I keep in contact with my family once a week, if not more.
-I'm trying very hard, to be connected to those that I hold dear.

Now, I know that most of my friends lead similar busy, hectic lives...and there are some that must be fucking superhuman to carry the loads that they do. But I'm not superhuman, and up until now have been at one of the lowest points in my life, so much so that up until I asked the Gods for help, I was having panic attacks almost everyday, seriously contemplating suicide, thinking of leaving TJ, and thoroughly mentally and emotionally imbalanced. So now that I'm trying, very hard, to pull myself back together to become stable, healthy, and whole with a combination of anti-depressants, supplements and will power, and lots of loving kick ass Gods, I wish that people would just say I love you, take me as I am and accept only what I can actually give.....or just leave me the fuck alone. Seriously.

Qigong, why is this so hard to learn about?
Want to learn more about Neidan. Inner Alchemy???
Toaism

I can't remember the amount of times I've spent over the years berating my sister and putting the woman down. Which is stupid really. She has her flaws, to be sure, and doesn't live life according to my principles, but so what? I have tons of flaws and live my life to few peoples principles or expectations. Who the hell am I to judge her and how she's lived her life...which really hasn't been all that bad, considering. She's a reasonably smart person, though lacking common sense sometimes, who is caring and law abiding. And she's be shit on so many times by life that it's not funny anymore, but she's dealt with it best way that she can, and I have to say that she's pretty resilient for everything that she's had to go through.

- She's served our country.
- She's brought up a well adjusted, bright, loving boy, who will no doubt grow up to be a successful man.
- She's survived ovarian cancer.
- She's dealt with MS without much complaint.
- She's been a supportive sister, daughter, mother, and wife.
- She's been beat, used and put down by ex-husbands, who she was smart enough to leave.

...and now she might have colon cancer to top it all, after she's finally getting the life that she deserves and has always wanted.

Our relationship has evolved countless times over the years. We're around ten years apart... When I was a little girl, I practically idolized her. She was the coolest, and she'd treat me to so many fun experiences. Then she left for the military, and I suffered major separation anxiety from it. We had shared the same room, and then when she's got back, I was about 10. We even shared the same bed for a while, especially when she was pregnant for Caylib... She got married to Caylib's father when I was about 12 and then they moved to Georgia. I can't remember when they came back, but our relationship had changed a lot by then, especially after they moved back to Chillicothe. Her and Clint divorced after he'd cheated on her, among other things, and she moved back in with us for a long time. I was in college when she'd moved back in with Caylib, so she took over my room, leaving me in effect kind of homeless whenever I came home. During that time, our relationship was at it's lowest point, I think. She was irresponsible, but now I realize that she was just looking to find herself. I might not agree with the ways that she went about it, but I understand a lot more now the reasons behind it and why. She's made ridiculous amounts of mistakes that have not only cost her, but my family, and that's what has always been the major source of conflict between us. Her childish, self-centered nature and the consequences of her actions, that she previously had never seemed to ever learn from.

Long story short, we've grown closer over the last few years. She really has made great strides in her life. Partially through her own devices, partly because of the positive influence of her new husband, a man that I can actually saw nothing negative about. She's become a person that I can respect again, and almost trust. She's become a friend. And I've been able to admit my shortcomings as well. And minus the things in life that can't be controlled, she's taken control of her life and is/was happy. She's had a lot of weird health issues over the last year, but now it's culminated in this latest...I don't know what you'd call it really...tragedy, I guess. And it really is. I used to call my sister a hypochondriac, but really, the truth be told, she's always had legitimate health problems, and it was me who was being an unsupportive bitch of a sister. Even though it's something that we've bridged and moved past, I feel like calling her right now and apologizing for being as much of (if not more so) a bitch and idiot as I've always criticized her of being.

They found a tumor in her colon. She's going in soon to get it biopsied. I don't ask this very often, but you all wouldn't mind praying for her, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks.

Come to think of it...maybe I will give her a call. I have a few minutes before my next class anyway.

I just got done taking a nice little nap, and will have to get ready for bowling in a little bit. This morning I woke up at a decent time, ate, did the dishes, and made Tj take out the trash. Later on after some ruckus, we took a shower and walked to McD's for lunch. That's one thing that I'm going to miss with whatever apartment that we decide to move into, it just want to as convenient to get to things like that anymore.

Last night we saw "Push" at the dollar theater, not a bad movie. Stopped by the evil walmart before going home. I picked up more hairclips (better ones that are both smaller and more secure in my bun at the same time, which is awesome, but doesn't make any sense to me right now), Fiber Choice tablets because I'm going to add them to my health regiment for colon health (more on that later), and also Osteo Bi-Flex supplements for joint health. Since taking Yoga, and trying to improve my flexibility among other things, I'm tried of popping and cracking and want not. Plus, considering my family health history, early prevention is the best alternative I see at this point.

My life at this point is super focused it seems on health, happiness, and spirituality, which naturally are interconnected, and quite naturally have been neglected for far too long in my life. The Gods that I deal with don't mess around once you ask them for help. And once they're serious about something, you sure as hell better be. Luckily, I'm game for this task, and I think that because I've proven that to them this time, they're backing me and pushing me ten fold. This is a good thing - overwhelming, amazing, but good. The path that I began on the Equinox has taken me on a wildly unexpected journey it seems, but because I love adventures, I can do nothing but take a hold of it and see where it take me. The destination at this point isn't all that important to me, it's the journey itself that I'm at turns excited about, satisfied with, and confused about. It began with me just wanting to be healthy. During the equinox, that I spent with my mom (because it also happens to be my birthday), we did a ritual where I asked for a birthday gift, so to speak. I asked for help becoming healthy and whole, I asked for help from a number of different Gods for a number of different things. I was both very specific and very vague at the same time though, because I mostly asked just to be find wholeness. And it would seem that I'm in the process of getting what I've asked for. Still, I know that this isn't something that I'm just being given because I asked for help finally like a good little girl. I'm working for this, in very real and difficult ways, and because of that, it's adding very real power to it, that I've been very unaccustomed to for a very long time. I know that I'm saying very a lot, but it's to emphasize this disconcerted feeling that I'm currently dealing with. I guess that what is difficult for me to adjust to is taking such an active participation with the present. I know that this probably doesn't make much sense to most of you, but I've always kind of just...slid through life. I've never really concerned myself much with the present, always spending life in a cocoon of sorts, surrounded by this life that I've constructed mostly out of daydreams for the future and remembrance of the past. It's weird for me to live with my feet on the ground and actually enjoy it. It's not easy, but I'm enjoying it for what it is, and letting it take its course.

Today when I woke from my nap, I was thinking of the Grove. I'd been dreaming about being with my grovemates, but in my dream, it was like I was back in time, to the way things were before. I could feel the sun shining down on us, feel my energy flowing with theirs, could feel that connection that I got when the Gods when I was with them that was always so different from my own connection when alone. When I woke up, I went straight to the computer to and went to the 3CG website. While catching up on what's been going on with the Grove, I was both proud of them, and dismayed. I realized that they weren't mine anymore...I'm not a member of the grove anymore, my grove, the grove as I know it, no longer exists. I know this in my mind, it makes sense in my head, but my heart grieved for what I had once known. I know that I could start over....find a place there, a homecoming....it's something that I'm giving thought to, but I don't know where this journey is taking me, and I don't want to get ahead of myself. I had to remind myself, and am still reminding myself, to take everything has it come, and if it's meant, then so be it, but I'm being pulled to so many things right now, and none of of them seem to fit neatly into something that sustains rather take takes away. I need to focus on becoming whole first, of becoming refilled with energy and everything else....then I'll figure out where to use that energy. Until then, I'll just float on the present - which is completely different from sliding through it.

After spending an hour checking my 2 in boxes, perusing facebook, and reading friend posts, I have a few minutes before yoga, and I'm going to enjoy it outside. It's too beautiful to be indoors today.

"Thank U"

how bout getting off these antibiotics
how bout stopping eating when I'm full up
how bout them transparent dangling carrots
how bout that ever elusive kudo

thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence

how bout me not blaming you for everything
how bout me enjoying the moment for once
how bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
how bout grieving it all one at a time

thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence

the moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
the moment I jumped off of it
was the moment I touched down

how bout no longer being masochistic
how bout remembering your divinity
how bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
how bout not equating death with stopping

thank you india
thank you providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you thank you silence.

no time to talk about possible new awesome apartment. tired. yoga poops me out, bones, muscles are mush. i need to read chapters...so many chapters for tomorrow. will wake up early tomorrow. busy day, happy, productive despite the rain. sweetness. tyr's the man. awesome now playlist, perfect! been meaning to update, almost got to a couple of times yesterday, but my computer is a piece of ssshhhiiitttt. still not smoking, stil chugging along, still learning how to be healthy/happy.... have i ever known what it was like to really be whole? i feel like i'm on to something, so good, solid, lasting.

no more time for today. tomorrow morning, check mail damnit...suppose to do it everyday, have actually been to busy, not lazy for once. must remedy. made awesome dinner tonight, pasta, tuna, carrots and peas in a cream sauce...mmmmm.. me and tj actually had sex!!! kind of want to now too, but WAY too tired, tomorrow night, defintely. and i did dishes too...all in a span of two hours, after i go home from yoga.

to random people -

ayla- can't come over tomorrow, next wed. instead, please??? maybe this weekend, depending on how much work i can get done. need to work on portfolio to turn into ntbg internship. sorry. miss you. was going to call you tonight, but figured it was too late. will call tomorrow though. promise.

aroon - miss you like crazy, next time your in town, you'd better call me. even if it's just to say hi.

mike - we need to take a walk before the daffodils fade, got it?

brian - when are faith, you and me going bowling, huh? hope your dad's okay. miss you. smile damn it. the tao te ching is very confusing.

my wrists hurt. does anyone have 5 lb weights that i could barrow?

i love my classes. a lot. especially entomology, and plant pathology, ...and even weed science...hell, like all of them...can't think of other two right now...hmm. going to bed now.

We just got home from apartment hunting, which I'll have to talk about later....

I'm determined to clean my "office" enough for me to actually use it. Looking around the living room, I figured that I might as well bring in all of the books, so that later, I can put them where they belong. I found 43 books in my living room...it took 10 minutes to haul all of them into my office and sack them. Right now, I'm sitting before the huge piles, laughing at myself and the absurdity that is my love (obsession) with books. Most of them are horticultural related...books on seeds, weeds, plant physiology, plant biology, soils, different types of plants (conifers, ohio wildflowers, flowering trees and shrubs, ferns, and grasses), propagation.... some are on birds and ecology, and the rest are religious in origin...books on runes, folk tales from Norway, two books on Freyr, one on Freyja... and other cultures too, books on ancient Chinese medicine, The Mahabharata (Ancient Indian Religious Epic), the Bhagavad Gita, on Qigong and Tai Chi...and text books on brish literature, world history, chemistry, and oddly enough, algebra and trigonometry....and even a book on cheese and wine and one on beading.

And I can't help but think to myself, "Oh, what glorious chaos!!!", hugging myself with pride, finding secret pleasure in my unconscious need and thirst for knowledge, for an innate curiosity for anything and everything under the sun...

now that I have that out of my system...I'm going to continue what I started and clean off my desk, that is current piled under more books, mostly about President Obama, old markers and stubby pencils, and tons of dried leaf specimens, which I can't decide to put in a collection, or toss in the trash.

I just woke up from a nice hour-long nap. I feel refreshed, though my neck and shoulders (despite the Aleve that I took) are still stiff. I'm really starting to think about going to see the doctor about this.

The first half of my day was amazing! I haven't had so much happy solitary time in a long while. I had my very first Tai Chi class this morning at 9:45...I had to wait outside of the RPAC for while, because I got there at like 7:15...but I had time to eat breakfast, doodle a little, and stretch before class. I really loved it, the instructor was awesome, and I can't wait until next week. We learned two moves within the form (we're learning Guang Ping Yang), but I think that after this quarter, I might study under her formally to learn a more energy focused style of it).

After class, I decided to walk home, and walked home along the bike path. I remember to take my 3x40 binocs, though I wish that I would have brought my bigger ones with me. Next time I will. Today I saw a hairy woodpecker, a downy woodpecker, a red-bellied woodpecker, 7 goldfinches, lots of robins, cardinals, and red-winged black birds, song sparrows, a great blue heron, lots of canada geese and mallards, and best of all all, two belted kingfishers and a mating pair of wood ducks!!!! HA! I love kingfishers! So exciting.

It didn't take long before I wondering off the paved trail and into the woods. I did a few sun salutations by the bridge though and did go over to the wet lands, but mostly kept to the trails alongside the river. There are tons of wild lesser calandine flower blooming. Their flowers are bright bright yellow and shiny. My make me happy, but I only picked one, and it was for Freyja, so...I don't feel guilty. I didn't get home until around 2...then I read a little and took a shower and then took a nap. Such a great day!

I've just spend the last two hours puttering around on the net, looking for societies on my various interests and books on amazon with the same intent in mind. It's a good way to waste time...if I had a million dollars, the books that I could get...

Speaking of books, last night a bought a shit ton, over a hundred dollars worth from amazon, mostly on ancient Indian and Chinese Philosophies and Practices...books like the I Ching, and Tao Te Ching, The Rigveda, and Gita, and a book on Qigong and Tai Chi...and a lot of others around those lines...lots of sutras...

Today I looked for books on mosses, lichens, ferns, and dragonflies and added them to my wish lists.


...I went to the Ohio Botanical Symposium today. I listened to awesome lectures on restoration and pollinators, fern allies and woodland fungi among other things. I think that tomorrow if it's nice, I might go hiking at one of the metroparks...and do a little birding and nat. photography. If anyone's interested, give me a call and come with.

Tonight I'm going to go and look for a book that I really really want...it's called "Last Child in the Woods," and I highly recommend it to everyone.

Somehow, now, my mind has taken an introspective turn and keeps recalling issues/memories from my childhood. My mind is nagging for a cigarette, my typical avoidance approach...smoke a cigarette and bury it...how many times have a done that in the last 10+ years? I just read an article that, I guess, just hit a little too, okay, REALLY close to home about children of alcoholics. Hopefully the prospect of sitting down to an interesting book for a little bit will take away the uncomfortable feelings in my pit of my stomach.

I have unexpected time to kill. I admit, I've not completely left LJ...I check in on my friends page about once a month...just because whether people know it or not, I care about them and want to know if they're okay. It's easier than picking up my half-broken phone, or shooting off and absent email. Still, whenever I think of posting...I sit blankly in front of the screen. How to you encapsulate a year's absence into one post? How to you tell those who you hold close but haven't seen in what seems like ages how much that you have changed or how life as changed in that long of time? The job seems so gigantic, and task so overwhelming that I simply give up before I start.

My new day has come and gone...and I've been on this new road for a very short time. But it's been productive, and I'm making progress. So much so that I feel optimist, for maybe the first time, that things might stick this time. I have a lot on my side, a lot of power at my back, holding me up, pushing me along, making me want to push myself along. Something just feels different... I don't know how to put my finger on, it's nebulous.....but it feels like hope. I guess that I've been so unaccustomed to it, that it's hard to recognize.

I've come to the conclusion that there is no need to sputter off what once had been...because the only thing that really matters is what's going on now. I'm trying to be happy and healthy. There are lots of ways that I want to go about doing this. I've started doing a lot of them, but there are a lot of other changes on the horizons.

I miss people...it's like I suddenly woke up, and looked around, and my life isn't my life anymore. Associations and relationships have shifted, and left me feeling helpless, the flow of time and life too powerful for me to halt and reevaluate. First steps are the hardest, but once they are made, footing becomes easier.

I need suggestions on how to make those first steps back into the lives of those who care about me and who I care for. Without overloading. Obligations, any more than I already have, isn't something that I'm either ready for, or necessarily want. It's hard to say this, to be honest, but it's true. I'm just now starting to get my energy restored and the process is slow and almost painful, and I can't get remounted with loads of stress and emo. However, I miss people, and love my friends and family, and I need them to know that, I need to be able to show them that. I want to be involved again. I want to feel connected and cared for and valued. I want to have fun, damn it.

What's life worth if it isn't fun???

Mrs. Mouse had babies!!!!

Today's my first woody plant ID quiz. I must say...I absolutely HATE boxwoods.

Tj got me a "new" laptop for my birthday, as my old one had seriously bit the dust. It's been an interesting month, being computer free. I kind of actually liked it, though it was completely impractical as I'm in school and having a computer is ESSENTIAL. If it's seemed like I fell off the grid (not that it hasn't happened before, and will probably happen again), I apologize.

For break I spent ALOT of time in Chillicothe.

I'm taking the Ornithology class like I promised the landvettir. It's going to be pretty rewarding, I think. This quarter is going to be freakishly hard...so I might as well tell everyone now, that socializing is very low on the priority list. I'll try when I can, but as I'm making a resolution not to disappoint people with my unreliability, I'm making no promises until I know that I can make plans and keep them. Sorry.

That being said, I miss everyone so much, and hope that all is going well in your various worlds. I'll try to keep in touch, or at least check in with LJ when I can. Talk you all soon. I'll be updating periodically about trees and birds probably.

I wish I had a home of my own. Land - I need land. I want to be a beekeeper, I want to raise chickens and have an amazing garden showcasing native planting materials. Birds, bees, and butterflies....that would be my heaven.

I've been filled to the brim with excitement and dreams and distractions this week....yet despite all of this, I've managed to get done an amazing amount of things that had to be done:

I obtained three amazing letters of recommendations for three amazing women for the Perennial Plant Association Scholarship Program.  I wrote and rewrote an amazing essay to go with it.  Re-did my resume so that it rocks, and got my college transcripts all mailed out yesterday, a day before schedule.  If I get it, it'd be AWESOME!!!  Not only would I get the opportunity to meet some of the best in my industry, but I'll get $1000 and an all expense paid trip to  Philadelphia  for a week during the summer to go to the Perennial plant symposium. 

I re-worked my PPA scholarship essay so that it fit the criteria for the essay that I had to submit for the Hort. and Crop sciences departmental scholarships (of which I fit the criteria for at least 10 of them, including my hope of all hopes, a full tuition grant), made a copy of my student advising report to include in the packet, and a copy of my new awesome resume, and had that turned in on Thursday, a day a head of schedule as well. 

I also did my taxes, though I still need to do them on the internet, filed my FAFSA, and filled out the scholarship application for the college of food, agriculture and environmental sciences.  The only thing that I haven't done is the scholarship application for the university itself, but I'm going to fill that out tomorrow and turn it in on Monday.  I'll probably re-work the essay that I wrote early this week for the above scholarship applications, but it shouldn't take too long.

And lastly, this morning, I took the written test at the DMV, again, so now I have my permit back.  I've made a vow that I'm going to take the test on or before my birthday, which is 20 days from now. 

Today I'm going to clean the apartment because my sister-in-law is coming up to stay the night and I'm taking her on her first gallery hop.  And I have two new roommates for Mouse.  They'll probably end up getting Mouse pregnant, because I think that they are both males.  One is the same color as her, a pretty mocha, the other one is a slate gray who is very handsome.  Both are pretty young.  I'm going to name the brown one Yarrow and the gray one Ordoe (he makes me think of the shales that I've seen here in Ohio from the Ordovician Period).

Hope everyone is well.

Today has been a good day.  I woke up and watched my squirel eat breakfast on my balcony.  Went to school, and on the way had a really great conversation with my bus driver (someday in the near future if everything goes well, he might be giving me baby chicks to start raising) and got to play with his new puppy on the way to school.  Class was good and relatively short, and I found out my grade for the last midterm that I had (which I didn't do nearly as bad on as I thought that I had, and was very ahead of the average)...

Yesterday I had my interview for Chadwick Arboretum.  I'm PRETTY sure that I got it, which will be awesome, as next quarter I'll be taking two ID courses that wil greatly be benefited by the fact that I work there.  One is a flowering woodies tree class, and the other in a bird identification class.   And I might now have a great hookup for a summer internship working landscaping/retail at a garden center near Groveport called Dill's Greenhouse.  I've been to their website and am really impressed with what I see.  I have a feeling that I'll be getting quite a lot of near experience to add to my belt this year.  I'm so excited about my future right now, it's almost hard to contain.

Wedding plans have been coming along.  With Brian's help I've located where we'll be holding our handfasting and the reception that goes with it.  The family wedding has now been narrowed down to two locations, one at the Chillcothe City Park, and the other at The Darby House here in Columbus. 

The lease in coming up for renewal for our apartment, and we've been giving a lot of thought of just buying a house instead.  So Tj and I have began house hunting as we want to be out by June.  On Sunday we'll be looking at this place in Circleville on Highway 22.  It's a three bedroom/one bath that sits on an acre and a half land.  They're only wanting $82,000 for it.  I hope that it works out, but we've got a bit of a list of other options that we'll be looking at as well. 

And, what's even better, is that Tj and I have been a lot closer lately, as in actually having sex on a regular basis.  I know that sounds silly, but we've gone months without it before...so it's nice that we're actually making it a point to make time for it. 

The house is clean, we've got food in the fridge and dreams within reach...it's going to be an exciting year ahead.

Today I ran into Anna on her way to Wilce.  I found myself wanting to hug her and tell her how proud that I am of the woman that she's become.  It occured to me, as it often has, as I walked my way to west campus, that out of all of the things that have happened to me during my life in Columbus, that the relationship that I lost with her is probably the only things that I've ever regretted.  The people that are in her  life and that have the honor of being called a friend by her, are indeed lucky, and I damned well hope that they realize that.  That girl, she's going places, I knew when I first met her, and I know it still today. 

I can't remember what my plans are today.  I have my last class of the day in an hour...I need to go home and start planning for Ostara.

I might take a nap, and dream of the family of nine dear that I met in Chillicothe when I went home.  It's a story I'll have to remember to share for later, but it's a good one.

Must....get....head...out ...of ....clouds.  I'm quickly losing sight of reality.  This is not good.  Tall order of the next three days:  Write quick paper tonight, study for midterm, see Ayla tomorrow, type of resume, clean apartment all day Friday and get my shit into order before I lose it.  After the 8th, it's no hold pars, so it's time to dig in deep, get grounded, and stop dreaming.  Things don't happen on their own, you can spend too much time dreaming about it instead of doing it.  Why is it so difficult for me to just live in the moment? 

Sydney, when are you moving so that I can buy your farm????  

I feel like I'm not only letting myself down, but Freyr too.  He's worked with me so much lately, trying to...I don't know how to explain it....take back my life...or create it, or...remake it....save it.    All that I know is that I wasn't happy, that I was so close to loosing myself, loosing everything....and that he knew that, and he's trying to help, and it's not that I'm not listening to him or that I'm not trying, but life just keeps getting in the way.  I wish I were stronger.  I don't want to go back to being as I was.  I CAN'T let that happen.  People are just going to have to accept things.  I watch the cardinals every morning outside my kitchen door, and I get so envious of them.  They're so free, they have no ties that bind.  I wish that I were a bird, that I could fly away from here, high into the sky with just the horizon to call home.  I would need nothing but the wind and the earth, could make the day merry by twittering songs to myself, with nothing around me but a place of solitude chosen on a whim and concerning myself with nothing larger than where to find the next worm. 

But I'm not a bird, damn it.  And I'm not free, and I have a hell of a lot of things tying me to the ground, and I have a lot more things to concern myself with than where to find the next meal.  Where do you draw the line between keeping others happy and making/taking your own happiness?  And what happens to the people who don't know how to draw those lines?  Stupid question, because I already know what happens...it's what I'm trying so damned hard to keep reverting back to. 

I just wish that I were a bird, but since I can't be, from now freakin' on, I'm living by few new mottos: 

-Don't be weakened by others' wills, yours is just as strong.
-Respecting and understanding others' opinions doesn't mean succumbing to them, yours are just as valid.
-You NEED to listen to your needs.
-Be confident, if you don't take yourself seriously, no one else will.
-Don't surrender to undeserved guilt, from anyone, even yourself.
-Your priorities are your own, don't back down.
-Being considerate makes you a friend, being a doormat makes you an idiot.
-You are not above the laws of physics and you are not Superman:  you can only do so many things or be in so many places at one time.
-People who smoke, eat lots of fat, and don't exercise drop like flies - you are not a bug.
-You can't build your life on others' expectations, expect more out of life than that.
-You can't make everyone happy.
-Don't obligate yourself unless you are ALMOST positive that you can keep it.  If you life gets in the way, don't beat yourself up.
-Tell the truth, no matter how hard, no matter how insignificant.
-Deserving happiness and being brave enough to take it are two different things
-Tell the people that you love that you love them as often as you can.
-Birds are not meant to be pets - EVER - they need to be free, for their sake and for your sanity.
-Procrastination smells like a poop stain.

Funny, but most of those are the same things that Freyr's been trying to drill unsuccessfully into my brain for weeks.  It's time to dig in my heels.

Life plans for the next two - five years : 
Get lisenced
get handfasted
internship
graduate 
(buy house and land sometime btween getting handfasted and getting married)
get a decent job that will further my career
get married
have babies!...  

and other  big things for a little bit later, like having mom move in with us permenantly, fixing up her old house and renting it out, opening up my own business... And these things are just the mundane things.  And of course, there's TONS of little lifestyle changes that will be happening, and other decisions.  But most have already been made for me, so now I just have to follow the game plan.  It's impossible to talk about everything that I'll be doing on the spiritual level really because to be honest, I've been trying to wrap my head around it for a month or so now, and I'm still not sure if I understand it all yet - not to mention the sudden, okay, this is how it's going to be thing from a special friend of mine.

Busy busy bee, busy busy bee...

Now, about the wedding plans.
As most of you guys know, me and Tj have gone around and around the bush about this subject....  this is one of the reasons that we've waited so long to start with.  We at first wanted two weddings, then we thinking a combined one, then we were thinking of just eloping.  We're back to the two wedding scheme - and we're sticking to it.  For the sake of brevity I'll not go into how I came to this decision, but merely the decision itself.

We're going to have a Handfasting here in Columbus, locationTBA, on June 20th, 2008.  Invites will be forthcoming in the coming months. We'll be having a traditional Honeymoon...  meaning that we'll be drinking mead everyday for an entire month.  :)  Can't really talk about the logistics of the ceremony/reception just yet, because I want it to be a surpise and be enjoyable for our guests (meaning, you guys).  But you'll love it, and I'm going to love it, and Ingvi will love it.  For me, though this one will be far more simplistic than the Civil wedding, this will be the most important thing for me, for this will be when Freyr bestows his blessings upon our marriage and life together.   

And....we're going to have a Civil (as it can get to be fair to TJ) Wedding in Chillicothe, for family, on June 21st, 2009.  Which I'll probably be talking about ALOT over the next year just to get everything ironed out in my head.  Deal is, we're going to have a real wedding, and forget about being afraid of Tj's dysfunctional families.  They'll just have to live with it, or live without us.  They can stuff and freaking sock in it for one damned day.  I'll be flipping the bill for the wedding and reception and all that that entails, and Tj is going to pay for our Honeymoon vacation.  This wedding will be taking place almost immediately after I graduate... which is perfect in my opinion, and very practical too.


I don't know if any of that made sense, but I've got go, so catch you later.