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juggling life....

juggling life....

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This quarter is starting to get hectic. Though I've been able to stick to some of the new routines that I've added to my lifestyle, the staunch discipline that I imagined for myself in regards to my academic life is falling to pieces while I consistently fall prey to my good old friend procrastination. Damn it, this is one tired played out song. But it's so hard, with everything else. I'm on campus for almost 12 hours every day for work and classes, while trying to be keep the house from piling up, keeping my relationship with Tj strong, trying to give something to myself for a god-damned change, trying to fulfill my academic organizations commitments,(which no offense to any of the other groups that I'm in or friends)which at the moment are really fucking important to me because they're building my professional network for the future, and family, and actually, you know, try to do homework so that I can get good grades because I'm paying for college on my own and don't want to waste my damned money and the 5 damned years that I've spend in this shit school to be for nothing!...I just want to tell some people to back the fuck off of me. I AM TRYING!!!!! I can't do ten thousand things at once, especially with no fucking transportation at the moment. I know that they aren't telling me what I have to do this and that I have to do that, but there's is an unseen pressure that will not let up, whether it's by their soft-spoken demands (which are a lot more effective on me) or my own sense of guilt for not being an amazing friend who is stuck up people's butts. I'm sorry, I need and like solitude, though I very rarely get it.

-I'm taking 5 very hard and demanding classes this quarter.
-I'm working 15 hours at work, though I love it.
-I'm trying to get ready to move
-I'm active in 3 school organizations/groups for my major
-I'm trying to get my shit together so that I can apply to an amazing internship which is currently the most important task and the most important thing for my immediate future
-I'm trying to graduate with honors by WINTER 2010 (minus autumn quarter because that's when my internship will hopefully be). This means trying to do homework, when I have the time (which is never) and the energy (which is rarely after I get done with everything else).
-I'm trying to find myself and my balance, in regards to health, happiness and spirituality, and it's something that I'm taking very seriously.
-I'm taking Yoga twice a week.
-I need to be home to fix dinner either other day and do the dishes.
-I keep in contact with my family once a week, if not more.
-I'm trying very hard, to be connected to those that I hold dear.

Now, I know that most of my friends lead similar busy, hectic lives...and there are some that must be fucking superhuman to carry the loads that they do. But I'm not superhuman, and up until now have been at one of the lowest points in my life, so much so that up until I asked the Gods for help, I was having panic attacks almost everyday, seriously contemplating suicide, thinking of leaving TJ, and thoroughly mentally and emotionally imbalanced. So now that I'm trying, very hard, to pull myself back together to become stable, healthy, and whole with a combination of anti-depressants, supplements and will power, and lots of loving kick ass Gods, I wish that people would just say I love you, take me as I am and accept only what I can actually give.....or just leave me the fuck alone. Seriously.
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