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Time to kill...

Time to kill...

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It's a little after 6am. I've been awake (well, out of bed and moving around, at least) since 4am. This morning I dropped Tj off at Port Columbus for his flight to Arizona. I drove there in amazement, wondering how I could be so utterly calm and detached. I was - really. I almost felt guilty for it. I didn't stay there nearly as long as I had anticipated. Ted was there. I dislike Ted (Tj's "new boss"/friend) very much, so much in fact, that I can't quite bite back the automatic snarl as soon as I see his face. This morning, I wanted to gauge out his eyes, could literally see myself doing just that... damn him.. fuck him, with a pointy sharp object, for taking Tj away from me.

This is all my fault. All my fault. No - no, I won't believe that. This is not the answer to an unmeant prayer. They KNOW me better than that, to give me that. They know that that's not what I really wanted...they know my heart far greater than I ever have... I don't know - I'm just so confused right now. There was a part of me, a obstinate and small part, that hoped that Tj really wouldn't go through with this....that he wouldn't get on the plane...that he couldn't possibly live without me. How silly...how selfish...how stupid. And it's not like he broke my heart and left me, it's not like he doesn't love me. We're together, nothing's changed in that way, only the distance. Distance...shit, there's a lot I could say about that..but I can't bring myself right now, I feel to weak to. What I would give to be able to look into my heart with clear vision. To know myself. To know what I truly need and want. I know nothing. Now and tomorrow is so unclear. Only yesterday, can I see with any amount of clarity, and even then, it befuddles me. How the hell did I get to where I am? It seems impossible to me. Everything that I am and my life, at this moment, is completely off the fucking mark. How did I get here? And it's not that I'm unhappy with everything, it's just that...sometimes I honestly don't know how evolved to the point where I'm at. Everything in between seems a blur, as if not by my hand, at all. I'm going fucking crazy.

There's so many things to do...I can't even keep them straight enough to make a list. Gods, I want to scream! I want to do something, anything, other than feeling the way that I'm feeling right now. I'm completely out at sea...and my anchor...he's on a fucking plane headed to the gods-damned desert. Why won't my brain work? Why can't I function? Just a little less than an hour...that's all I have to wait for. Eric, my boss/friend, will be here, more-than-likely, by 7:30... He'll give me a hug, it'll be okay. It'll be okay. My heart knows this... I just need to let me head catch up.
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