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take it or leave it

April 14th, 2009

"Thank U"

how bout getting off these antibiotics
how bout stopping eating when I'm full up
how bout them transparent dangling carrots
how bout that ever elusive kudo

thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence

how bout me not blaming you for everything
how bout me enjoying the moment for once
how bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
how bout grieving it all one at a time

thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence

the moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
the moment I jumped off of it
was the moment I touched down

how bout no longer being masochistic
how bout remembering your divinity
how bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
how bout not equating death with stopping

thank you india
thank you providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you thank you silence.

no time to talk about possible new awesome apartment. tired. yoga poops me out, bones, muscles are mush. i need to read chapters...so many chapters for tomorrow. will wake up early tomorrow. busy day, happy, productive despite the rain. sweetness. tyr's the man. awesome now playlist, perfect! been meaning to update, almost got to a couple of times yesterday, but my computer is a piece of ssshhhiiitttt. still not smoking, stil chugging along, still learning how to be healthy/happy.... have i ever known what it was like to really be whole? i feel like i'm on to something, so good, solid, lasting.

no more time for today. tomorrow morning, check mail damnit...suppose to do it everyday, have actually been to busy, not lazy for once. must remedy. made awesome dinner tonight, pasta, tuna, carrots and peas in a cream sauce...mmmmm.. me and tj actually had sex!!! kind of want to now too, but WAY too tired, tomorrow night, defintely. and i did dishes too...all in a span of two hours, after i go home from yoga.

to random people -

ayla- can't come over tomorrow, next wed. instead, please??? maybe this weekend, depending on how much work i can get done. need to work on portfolio to turn into ntbg internship. sorry. miss you. was going to call you tonight, but figured it was too late. will call tomorrow though. promise.

aroon - miss you like crazy, next time your in town, you'd better call me. even if it's just to say hi.

mike - we need to take a walk before the daffodils fade, got it?

brian - when are faith, you and me going bowling, huh? hope your dad's okay. miss you. smile damn it. the tao te ching is very confusing.

my wrists hurt. does anyone have 5 lb weights that i could barrow?

i love my classes. a lot. especially entomology, and plant pathology, ...and even weed science...hell, like all of them...can't think of other two right now...hmm. going to bed now.

April 8th, 2009

more on books...

We just got home from apartment hunting, which I'll have to talk about later....

I'm determined to clean my "office" enough for me to actually use it. Looking around the living room, I figured that I might as well bring in all of the books, so that later, I can put them where they belong. I found 43 books in my living room...it took 10 minutes to haul all of them into my office and sack them. Right now, I'm sitting before the huge piles, laughing at myself and the absurdity that is my love (obsession) with books. Most of them are horticultural related...books on seeds, weeds, plant physiology, plant biology, soils, different types of plants (conifers, ohio wildflowers, flowering trees and shrubs, ferns, and grasses), propagation.... some are on birds and ecology, and the rest are religious in origin...books on runes, folk tales from Norway, two books on Freyr, one on Freyja... and other cultures too, books on ancient Chinese medicine, The Mahabharata (Ancient Indian Religious Epic), the Bhagavad Gita, on Qigong and Tai Chi...and text books on brish literature, world history, chemistry, and oddly enough, algebra and trigonometry....and even a book on cheese and wine and one on beading.

And I can't help but think to myself, "Oh, what glorious chaos!!!", hugging myself with pride, finding secret pleasure in my unconscious need and thirst for knowledge, for an innate curiosity for anything and everything under the sun...

now that I have that out of my system...I'm going to continue what I started and clean off my desk, that is current piled under more books, mostly about President Obama, old markers and stubby pencils, and tons of dried leaf specimens, which I can't decide to put in a collection, or toss in the trash.

April 4th, 2009

Lesser Celandine

I just woke up from a nice hour-long nap. I feel refreshed, though my neck and shoulders (despite the Aleve that I took) are still stiff. I'm really starting to think about going to see the doctor about this.

The first half of my day was amazing! I haven't had so much happy solitary time in a long while. I had my very first Tai Chi class this morning at 9:45...I had to wait outside of the RPAC for while, because I got there at like 7:15...but I had time to eat breakfast, doodle a little, and stretch before class. I really loved it, the instructor was awesome, and I can't wait until next week. We learned two moves within the form (we're learning Guang Ping Yang), but I think that after this quarter, I might study under her formally to learn a more energy focused style of it).

After class, I decided to walk home, and walked home along the bike path. I remember to take my 3x40 binocs, though I wish that I would have brought my bigger ones with me. Next time I will. Today I saw a hairy woodpecker, a downy woodpecker, a red-bellied woodpecker, 7 goldfinches, lots of robins, cardinals, and red-winged black birds, song sparrows, a great blue heron, lots of canada geese and mallards, and best of all all, two belted kingfishers and a mating pair of wood ducks!!!! HA! I love kingfishers! So exciting.

It didn't take long before I wondering off the paved trail and into the woods. I did a few sun salutations by the bridge though and did go over to the wet lands, but mostly kept to the trails alongside the river. There are tons of wild lesser calandine flower blooming. Their flowers are bright bright yellow and shiny. My make me happy, but I only picked one, and it was for Freyja, so...I don't feel guilty. I didn't get home until around 2...then I read a little and took a shower and then took a nap. Such a great day!

April 3rd, 2009

a topsy-turvy day

I've just spend the last two hours puttering around on the net, looking for societies on my various interests and books on amazon with the same intent in mind. It's a good way to waste time...if I had a million dollars, the books that I could get...

Speaking of books, last night a bought a shit ton, over a hundred dollars worth from amazon, mostly on ancient Indian and Chinese Philosophies and Practices...books like the I Ching, and Tao Te Ching, The Rigveda, and Gita, and a book on Qigong and Tai Chi...and a lot of others around those lines...lots of sutras...

Today I looked for books on mosses, lichens, ferns, and dragonflies and added them to my wish lists.

...I went to the Ohio Botanical Symposium today. I listened to awesome lectures on restoration and pollinators, fern allies and woodland fungi among other things. I think that tomorrow if it's nice, I might go hiking at one of the metroparks...and do a little birding and nat. photography. If anyone's interested, give me a call and come with.

Tonight I'm going to go and look for a book that I really really want...it's called "Last Child in the Woods," and I highly recommend it to everyone.

Somehow, now, my mind has taken an introspective turn and keeps recalling issues/memories from my childhood. My mind is nagging for a cigarette, my typical avoidance approach...smoke a cigarette and bury it...how many times have a done that in the last 10+ years? I just read an article that, I guess, just hit a little too, okay, REALLY close to home about children of alcoholics. Hopefully the prospect of sitting down to an interesting book for a little bit will take away the uncomfortable feelings in my pit of my stomach.

April 2nd, 2009

I have unexpected time to kill. I admit, I've not completely left LJ...I check in on my friends page about once a month...just because whether people know it or not, I care about them and want to know if they're okay. It's easier than picking up my half-broken phone, or shooting off and absent email. Still, whenever I think of posting...I sit blankly in front of the screen. How to you encapsulate a year's absence into one post? How to you tell those who you hold close but haven't seen in what seems like ages how much that you have changed or how life as changed in that long of time? The job seems so gigantic, and task so overwhelming that I simply give up before I start.

My new day has come and gone...and I've been on this new road for a very short time. But it's been productive, and I'm making progress. So much so that I feel optimist, for maybe the first time, that things might stick this time. I have a lot on my side, a lot of power at my back, holding me up, pushing me along, making me want to push myself along. Something just feels different... I don't know how to put my finger on, it's nebulous.....but it feels like hope. I guess that I've been so unaccustomed to it, that it's hard to recognize.

I've come to the conclusion that there is no need to sputter off what once had been...because the only thing that really matters is what's going on now. I'm trying to be happy and healthy. There are lots of ways that I want to go about doing this. I've started doing a lot of them, but there are a lot of other changes on the horizons.

I miss people...it's like I suddenly woke up, and looked around, and my life isn't my life anymore. Associations and relationships have shifted, and left me feeling helpless, the flow of time and life too powerful for me to halt and reevaluate. First steps are the hardest, but once they are made, footing becomes easier.

I need suggestions on how to make those first steps back into the lives of those who care about me and who I care for. Without overloading. Obligations, any more than I already have, isn't something that I'm either ready for, or necessarily want. It's hard to say this, to be honest, but it's true. I'm just now starting to get my energy restored and the process is slow and almost painful, and I can't get remounted with loads of stress and emo. However, I miss people, and love my friends and family, and I need them to know that, I need to be able to show them that. I want to be involved again. I want to feel connected and cared for and valued. I want to have fun, damn it.

What's life worth if it isn't fun???

April 3rd, 2008

(no subject)

Mrs. Mouse had babies!!!!

Today's my first woody plant ID quiz. I must say...I absolutely HATE boxwoods.

March 30th, 2008

Tj got me a "new" laptop for my birthday, as my old one had seriously bit the dust. It's been an interesting month, being computer free. I kind of actually liked it, though it was completely impractical as I'm in school and having a computer is ESSENTIAL. If it's seemed like I fell off the grid (not that it hasn't happened before, and will probably happen again), I apologize.

For break I spent ALOT of time in Chillicothe.

I'm taking the Ornithology class like I promised the landvettir. It's going to be pretty rewarding, I think. This quarter is going to be freakishly hard...so I might as well tell everyone now, that socializing is very low on the priority list. I'll try when I can, but as I'm making a resolution not to disappoint people with my unreliability, I'm making no promises until I know that I can make plans and keep them. Sorry.

That being said, I miss everyone so much, and hope that all is going well in your various worlds. I'll try to keep in touch, or at least check in with LJ when I can. Talk you all soon. I'll be updating periodically about trees and birds probably.

I wish I had a home of my own. Land - I need land. I want to be a beekeeper, I want to raise chickens and have an amazing garden showcasing native planting materials. Birds, bees, and butterflies....that would be my heaven.

March 1st, 2008

I've been filled to the brim with excitement and dreams and distractions this week....yet despite all of this, I've managed to get done an amazing amount of things that had to be done:

I obtained three amazing letters of recommendations for three amazing women for the Perennial Plant Association Scholarship Program.  I wrote and rewrote an amazing essay to go with it.  Re-did my resume so that it rocks, and got my college transcripts all mailed out yesterday, a day before schedule.  If I get it, it'd be AWESOME!!!  Not only would I get the opportunity to meet some of the best in my industry, but I'll get $1000 and an all expense paid trip to  Philadelphia  for a week during the summer to go to the Perennial plant symposium. 

I re-worked my PPA scholarship essay so that it fit the criteria for the essay that I had to submit for the Hort. and Crop sciences departmental scholarships (of which I fit the criteria for at least 10 of them, including my hope of all hopes, a full tuition grant), made a copy of my student advising report to include in the packet, and a copy of my new awesome resume, and had that turned in on Thursday, a day a head of schedule as well. 

I also did my taxes, though I still need to do them on the internet, filed my FAFSA, and filled out the scholarship application for the college of food, agriculture and environmental sciences.  The only thing that I haven't done is the scholarship application for the university itself, but I'm going to fill that out tomorrow and turn it in on Monday.  I'll probably re-work the essay that I wrote early this week for the above scholarship applications, but it shouldn't take too long.

And lastly, this morning, I took the written test at the DMV, again, so now I have my permit back.  I've made a vow that I'm going to take the test on or before my birthday, which is 20 days from now. 

Today I'm going to clean the apartment because my sister-in-law is coming up to stay the night and I'm taking her on her first gallery hop.  And I have two new roommates for Mouse.  They'll probably end up getting Mouse pregnant, because I think that they are both males.  One is the same color as her, a pretty mocha, the other one is a slate gray who is very handsome.  Both are pretty young.  I'm going to name the brown one Yarrow and the gray one Ordoe (he makes me think of the shales that I've seen here in Ohio from the Ordovician Period).

February 21st, 2008

It's been a little while

Hope everyone is well.

Today has been a good day.  I woke up and watched my squirel eat breakfast on my balcony.  Went to school, and on the way had a really great conversation with my bus driver (someday in the near future if everything goes well, he might be giving me baby chicks to start raising) and got to play with his new puppy on the way to school.  Class was good and relatively short, and I found out my grade for the last midterm that I had (which I didn't do nearly as bad on as I thought that I had, and was very ahead of the average)...

Yesterday I had my interview for Chadwick Arboretum.  I'm PRETTY sure that I got it, which will be awesome, as next quarter I'll be taking two ID courses that wil greatly be benefited by the fact that I work there.  One is a flowering woodies tree class, and the other in a bird identification class.   And I might now have a great hookup for a summer internship working landscaping/retail at a garden center near Groveport called Dill's Greenhouse.  I've been to their website and am really impressed with what I see.  I have a feeling that I'll be getting quite a lot of near experience to add to my belt this year.  I'm so excited about my future right now, it's almost hard to contain.

Wedding plans have been coming along.  With Brian's help I've located where we'll be holding our handfasting and the reception that goes with it.  The family wedding has now been narrowed down to two locations, one at the Chillcothe City Park, and the other at The Darby House here in Columbus. 

The lease in coming up for renewal for our apartment, and we've been giving a lot of thought of just buying a house instead.  So Tj and I have began house hunting as we want to be out by June.  On Sunday we'll be looking at this place in Circleville on Highway 22.  It's a three bedroom/one bath that sits on an acre and a half land.  They're only wanting $82,000 for it.  I hope that it works out, but we've got a bit of a list of other options that we'll be looking at as well. 

And, what's even better, is that Tj and I have been a lot closer lately, as in actually having sex on a regular basis.  I know that sounds silly, but we've gone months without it before...so it's nice that we're actually making it a point to make time for it. 

The house is clean, we've got food in the fridge and dreams within reach...it's going to be an exciting year ahead.

Today I ran into Anna on her way to Wilce.  I found myself wanting to hug her and tell her how proud that I am of the woman that she's become.  It occured to me, as it often has, as I walked my way to west campus, that out of all of the things that have happened to me during my life in Columbus, that the relationship that I lost with her is probably the only things that I've ever regretted.  The people that are in her  life and that have the honor of being called a friend by her, are indeed lucky, and I damned well hope that they realize that.  That girl, she's going places, I knew when I first met her, and I know it still today. 

I can't remember what my plans are today.  I have my last class of the day in an hour...I need to go home and start planning for Ostara.

I might take a nap, and dream of the family of nine dear that I met in Chillicothe when I went home.  It's a story I'll have to remember to share for later, but it's a good one.

February 6th, 2008

ah piss on it

Must....get....head...out ...of ....clouds.  I'm quickly losing sight of reality.  This is not good.  Tall order of the next three days:  Write quick paper tonight, study for midterm, see Ayla tomorrow, type of resume, clean apartment all day Friday and get my shit into order before I lose it.  After the 8th, it's no hold pars, so it's time to dig in deep, get grounded, and stop dreaming.  Things don't happen on their own, you can spend too much time dreaming about it instead of doing it.  Why is it so difficult for me to just live in the moment? 

Sydney, when are you moving so that I can buy your farm????  
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