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take it or leave it

March 15th, 2014

My heart hurts....

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Tonight the moon is as full and heavy as my heart.

January 4th, 2010

Time to kill...

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It's a little after 6am. I've been awake (well, out of bed and moving around, at least) since 4am. This morning I dropped Tj off at Port Columbus for his flight to Arizona. I drove there in amazement, wondering how I could be so utterly calm and detached. I was - really. I almost felt guilty for it. I didn't stay there nearly as long as I had anticipated. Ted was there. I dislike Ted (Tj's "new boss"/friend) very much, so much in fact, that I can't quite bite back the automatic snarl as soon as I see his face. This morning, I wanted to gauge out his eyes, could literally see myself doing just that... damn him.. fuck him, with a pointy sharp object, for taking Tj away from me.

This is all my fault. All my fault. No - no, I won't believe that. This is not the answer to an unmeant prayer. They KNOW me better than that, to give me that. They know that that's not what I really wanted...they know my heart far greater than I ever have... I don't know - I'm just so confused right now. There was a part of me, a obstinate and small part, that hoped that Tj really wouldn't go through with this....that he wouldn't get on the plane...that he couldn't possibly live without me. How silly...how selfish...how stupid. And it's not like he broke my heart and left me, it's not like he doesn't love me. We're together, nothing's changed in that way, only the distance. Distance...shit, there's a lot I could say about that..but I can't bring myself right now, I feel to weak to. What I would give to be able to look into my heart with clear vision. To know myself. To know what I truly need and want. I know nothing. Now and tomorrow is so unclear. Only yesterday, can I see with any amount of clarity, and even then, it befuddles me. How the hell did I get to where I am? It seems impossible to me. Everything that I am and my life, at this moment, is completely off the fucking mark. How did I get here? And it's not that I'm unhappy with everything, it's just that...sometimes I honestly don't know how evolved to the point where I'm at. Everything in between seems a blur, as if not by my hand, at all. I'm going fucking crazy.

There's so many things to do...I can't even keep them straight enough to make a list. Gods, I want to scream! I want to do something, anything, other than feeling the way that I'm feeling right now. I'm completely out at sea...and my anchor...he's on a fucking plane headed to the gods-damned desert. Why won't my brain work? Why can't I function? Just a little less than an hour...that's all I have to wait for. Eric, my boss/friend, will be here, more-than-likely, by 7:30... He'll give me a hug, it'll be okay. It'll be okay. My heart knows this... I just need to let me head catch up.

November 6th, 2009


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I can't even remember the last time it occurred to me to write on LJ. It's most likely been over a year, if not more, I'd reckon. I'll be home soon, whatever that means...

Something's coming around the bend...I'm huffing and puffing, dragging myself up the ridge of the mountain...I feel like I can go no farther... but something's over that ridge line, something's at the top, and I feel that when I reach it, everything will change. And though I'm fearful of the top, and of the possible fall, I keep climbing, because now, looking down, there is nowhere else to go. But then again...whatever is coming...in the back of my mind, I know, that where ever I may get to might not be the lesson, might not be the matter, the marrow, the point. Perhaps it's the climb that matters most.

My dreams are laughing at me...and the veil over them is thick and disconcerting. I am, at one time, equal parts anxious, impatient, and dreading to go home. So many cans of worms. Leaving one can for a barrel... if only it were a barrel full of knife-fighting monkeys. Well, whatever's up, I hope it will lead to fun, and laughter, and long-forgotten joy and mischief.

Hopefully, I'll be seeing some of you back stateside by turkey-time.



May 18th, 2009


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Well, it figures. I've been so upset today, and have been grumbling to myself and have waited a lot time to post about stuff, and now that I have an opportunity to sit down and vent it all out.... I've sputtered out, and have nothing left really to complain about. Still, earlier today I was so frustrated with the world and with people that I couldn't contain it, and my heart, I could feel it breaking. I'm okay now of course, partially, no probably all because I asked Freyr and Freyja to ease the pain in my heart, because I knew that they'd understand exactly where that pain came from.

On a good front, I'm so loving my computer! Today's the fist time that I took it to school with me. Yay! Now I'm sitting, waiting for class, and using my built - in wireless card. I wish that it was an apple (I can't believe that I'm saying that?!?!?!) so that I wouldn't be so afraid of getting viruses, but oh well. But....if any of you electronically savvy friends of mine know how to get OS X on an Acer, please, by all means, let me know. :) In the mean time, I'll just baby with this baby as is.

I got it so that when I go to Hawaii, I don't have to take my other laptop. I find out if I get the internship, btw, on June 12th. Ahhhhh

Well, I don't know what to talk about. I missed the last 3CG rite that I was planning on attending, and I probably won't get to go to Wellspring like I want because they always schedule it too close to test time....and this is the first year since I came to Columbus that I didn't walk in the Komen. :( But, I really needed to go home.

May 6th, 2009

Right now, I am currently breathing a deep sigh of relief. My shoulders fall relaxed, and I'm happy with my decision, if a little regretful that I'd made the wrong with in the first place that needed to be corrected now. I just accepted a "W", and dropped my communications class. It was a good class, with a great instructor...but taking five classes this quarter was a mistake on my part, and one that I couldn't quite live up to without sacrificing my happiness and more importantly, the balance and sanity that I've been working so hard to restore. So I just dropped it, and I feel good. I can take it, and WILL take it again in the winter. I just wish that I would have had the sense to drop it earlier in the quarter so that I wouldn't have had to accrue another W.

I'm finally done preparing to send out my application for my internship. I do so tomorrow. I have a copy of my transcripts, 2 letters of recommendation, an awesome resume, and an even more awesome professional portfolio slide show burned to a beautiful pink CD to send along with my application. Cross your fingers for me people. THIS IS IMPORTANT, and could potentially make my career.

April 21st, 2009

juggling life....

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This quarter is starting to get hectic. Though I've been able to stick to some of the new routines that I've added to my lifestyle, the staunch discipline that I imagined for myself in regards to my academic life is falling to pieces while I consistently fall prey to my good old friend procrastination. Damn it, this is one tired played out song. But it's so hard, with everything else. I'm on campus for almost 12 hours every day for work and classes, while trying to be keep the house from piling up, keeping my relationship with Tj strong, trying to give something to myself for a god-damned change, trying to fulfill my academic organizations commitments,(which no offense to any of the other groups that I'm in or friends)which at the moment are really fucking important to me because they're building my professional network for the future, and family, and actually, you know, try to do homework so that I can get good grades because I'm paying for college on my own and don't want to waste my damned money and the 5 damned years that I've spend in this shit school to be for nothing!...I just want to tell some people to back the fuck off of me. I AM TRYING!!!!! I can't do ten thousand things at once, especially with no fucking transportation at the moment. I know that they aren't telling me what I have to do this and that I have to do that, but there's is an unseen pressure that will not let up, whether it's by their soft-spoken demands (which are a lot more effective on me) or my own sense of guilt for not being an amazing friend who is stuck up people's butts. I'm sorry, I need and like solitude, though I very rarely get it.

-I'm taking 5 very hard and demanding classes this quarter.
-I'm working 15 hours at work, though I love it.
-I'm trying to get ready to move
-I'm active in 3 school organizations/groups for my major
-I'm trying to get my shit together so that I can apply to an amazing internship which is currently the most important task and the most important thing for my immediate future
-I'm trying to graduate with honors by WINTER 2010 (minus autumn quarter because that's when my internship will hopefully be). This means trying to do homework, when I have the time (which is never) and the energy (which is rarely after I get done with everything else).
-I'm trying to find myself and my balance, in regards to health, happiness and spirituality, and it's something that I'm taking very seriously.
-I'm taking Yoga twice a week.
-I need to be home to fix dinner either other day and do the dishes.
-I keep in contact with my family once a week, if not more.
-I'm trying very hard, to be connected to those that I hold dear.

Now, I know that most of my friends lead similar busy, hectic lives...and there are some that must be fucking superhuman to carry the loads that they do. But I'm not superhuman, and up until now have been at one of the lowest points in my life, so much so that up until I asked the Gods for help, I was having panic attacks almost everyday, seriously contemplating suicide, thinking of leaving TJ, and thoroughly mentally and emotionally imbalanced. So now that I'm trying, very hard, to pull myself back together to become stable, healthy, and whole with a combination of anti-depressants, supplements and will power, and lots of loving kick ass Gods, I wish that people would just say I love you, take me as I am and accept only what I can actually give.....or just leave me the fuck alone. Seriously.

April 20th, 2009

Qigong, why is this so hard to learn about?
Want to learn more about Neidan. Inner Alchemy???

A complex relationship.

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I can't remember the amount of times I've spent over the years berating my sister and putting the woman down. Which is stupid really. She has her flaws, to be sure, and doesn't live life according to my principles, but so what? I have tons of flaws and live my life to few peoples principles or expectations. Who the hell am I to judge her and how she's lived her life...which really hasn't been all that bad, considering. She's a reasonably smart person, though lacking common sense sometimes, who is caring and law abiding. And she's be shit on so many times by life that it's not funny anymore, but she's dealt with it best way that she can, and I have to say that she's pretty resilient for everything that she's had to go through.

- She's served our country.
- She's brought up a well adjusted, bright, loving boy, who will no doubt grow up to be a successful man.
- She's survived ovarian cancer.
- She's dealt with MS without much complaint.
- She's been a supportive sister, daughter, mother, and wife.
- She's been beat, used and put down by ex-husbands, who she was smart enough to leave.

...and now she might have colon cancer to top it all, after she's finally getting the life that she deserves and has always wanted.

Our relationship has evolved countless times over the years. We're around ten years apart... When I was a little girl, I practically idolized her. She was the coolest, and she'd treat me to so many fun experiences. Then she left for the military, and I suffered major separation anxiety from it. We had shared the same room, and then when she's got back, I was about 10. We even shared the same bed for a while, especially when she was pregnant for Caylib... She got married to Caylib's father when I was about 12 and then they moved to Georgia. I can't remember when they came back, but our relationship had changed a lot by then, especially after they moved back to Chillicothe. Her and Clint divorced after he'd cheated on her, among other things, and she moved back in with us for a long time. I was in college when she'd moved back in with Caylib, so she took over my room, leaving me in effect kind of homeless whenever I came home. During that time, our relationship was at it's lowest point, I think. She was irresponsible, but now I realize that she was just looking to find herself. I might not agree with the ways that she went about it, but I understand a lot more now the reasons behind it and why. She's made ridiculous amounts of mistakes that have not only cost her, but my family, and that's what has always been the major source of conflict between us. Her childish, self-centered nature and the consequences of her actions, that she previously had never seemed to ever learn from.

Long story short, we've grown closer over the last few years. She really has made great strides in her life. Partially through her own devices, partly because of the positive influence of her new husband, a man that I can actually saw nothing negative about. She's become a person that I can respect again, and almost trust. She's become a friend. And I've been able to admit my shortcomings as well. And minus the things in life that can't be controlled, she's taken control of her life and is/was happy. She's had a lot of weird health issues over the last year, but now it's culminated in this latest...I don't know what you'd call it really...tragedy, I guess. And it really is. I used to call my sister a hypochondriac, but really, the truth be told, she's always had legitimate health problems, and it was me who was being an unsupportive bitch of a sister. Even though it's something that we've bridged and moved past, I feel like calling her right now and apologizing for being as much of (if not more so) a bitch and idiot as I've always criticized her of being.

They found a tumor in her colon. She's going in soon to get it biopsied. I don't ask this very often, but you all wouldn't mind praying for her, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks.

Come to think of it...maybe I will give her a call. I have a few minutes before my next class anyway.

April 19th, 2009

I just got done taking a nice little nap, and will have to get ready for bowling in a little bit. This morning I woke up at a decent time, ate, did the dishes, and made Tj take out the trash. Later on after some ruckus, we took a shower and walked to McD's for lunch. That's one thing that I'm going to miss with whatever apartment that we decide to move into, it just want to as convenient to get to things like that anymore.

Last night we saw "Push" at the dollar theater, not a bad movie. Stopped by the evil walmart before going home. I picked up more hairclips (better ones that are both smaller and more secure in my bun at the same time, which is awesome, but doesn't make any sense to me right now), Fiber Choice tablets because I'm going to add them to my health regiment for colon health (more on that later), and also Osteo Bi-Flex supplements for joint health. Since taking Yoga, and trying to improve my flexibility among other things, I'm tried of popping and cracking and want not. Plus, considering my family health history, early prevention is the best alternative I see at this point.

My life at this point is super focused it seems on health, happiness, and spirituality, which naturally are interconnected, and quite naturally have been neglected for far too long in my life. The Gods that I deal with don't mess around once you ask them for help. And once they're serious about something, you sure as hell better be. Luckily, I'm game for this task, and I think that because I've proven that to them this time, they're backing me and pushing me ten fold. This is a good thing - overwhelming, amazing, but good. The path that I began on the Equinox has taken me on a wildly unexpected journey it seems, but because I love adventures, I can do nothing but take a hold of it and see where it take me. The destination at this point isn't all that important to me, it's the journey itself that I'm at turns excited about, satisfied with, and confused about. It began with me just wanting to be healthy. During the equinox, that I spent with my mom (because it also happens to be my birthday), we did a ritual where I asked for a birthday gift, so to speak. I asked for help becoming healthy and whole, I asked for help from a number of different Gods for a number of different things. I was both very specific and very vague at the same time though, because I mostly asked just to be find wholeness. And it would seem that I'm in the process of getting what I've asked for. Still, I know that this isn't something that I'm just being given because I asked for help finally like a good little girl. I'm working for this, in very real and difficult ways, and because of that, it's adding very real power to it, that I've been very unaccustomed to for a very long time. I know that I'm saying very a lot, but it's to emphasize this disconcerted feeling that I'm currently dealing with. I guess that what is difficult for me to adjust to is taking such an active participation with the present. I know that this probably doesn't make much sense to most of you, but I've always kind of just...slid through life. I've never really concerned myself much with the present, always spending life in a cocoon of sorts, surrounded by this life that I've constructed mostly out of daydreams for the future and remembrance of the past. It's weird for me to live with my feet on the ground and actually enjoy it. It's not easy, but I'm enjoying it for what it is, and letting it take its course.

Today when I woke from my nap, I was thinking of the Grove. I'd been dreaming about being with my grovemates, but in my dream, it was like I was back in time, to the way things were before. I could feel the sun shining down on us, feel my energy flowing with theirs, could feel that connection that I got when the Gods when I was with them that was always so different from my own connection when alone. When I woke up, I went straight to the computer to and went to the 3CG website. While catching up on what's been going on with the Grove, I was both proud of them, and dismayed. I realized that they weren't mine anymore...I'm not a member of the grove anymore, my grove, the grove as I know it, no longer exists. I know this in my mind, it makes sense in my head, but my heart grieved for what I had once known. I know that I could start over....find a place there, a homecoming....it's something that I'm giving thought to, but I don't know where this journey is taking me, and I don't want to get ahead of myself. I had to remind myself, and am still reminding myself, to take everything has it come, and if it's meant, then so be it, but I'm being pulled to so many things right now, and none of of them seem to fit neatly into something that sustains rather take takes away. I need to focus on becoming whole first, of becoming refilled with energy and everything else....then I'll figure out where to use that energy. Until then, I'll just float on the present - which is completely different from sliding through it.

April 16th, 2009

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After spending an hour checking my 2 in boxes, perusing facebook, and reading friend posts, I have a few minutes before yoga, and I'm going to enjoy it outside. It's too beautiful to be indoors today.
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